Desire Part 1: This Is My Desire

What is your deepest desire? This is a question that was posed to me through Beth Moore's book Jesus: 90 Days With the One and Only. Yeah, I'm reading Beth Moore - don't hate! I'm getting a lot out of this book. Sidenote: The 90 Days has pathetically turned into about 9 months - and it's not over! Sidenote 2: she makes me want to call you "beloved" in my blog. I refrain when the desire hits. :)

Back to the question about my deepest desire. I really had to think about this, but I knew I needed to explore two paths:

1. What does the "Christian" in me think?
2. What does my flesh think?

My pat answer is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. And I know deep down that I truly desire that. But I also know there is a lot of flesh in this hunk of human - and what does she want? I wrote down the first thing that came to my flesh-mind: Happiness. This answer, if I were to hear it from someone else, would make me gag. It's so trite, and "isn't it what we all want?" ::Bat eyelashes::

Um...yes, it is what we all want. But I think it takes a different form than what our flesh thinks. My flesh wants a big, professionally-decorated, windows-covering-the-walls, comfy, built-in-espresso-machine-in-the-kitchen house. My flesh wants a free schedule and endless sleep. My flesh wants - and it never stops wanting.

My heart, however - the soul-thing that is connected to the Holy Spirit - wants joy. Joy fulfills. Joy is not dependent on temporary things. Joy overflows from a life that has been redeemed!

Those delivered from bondage will travel on it,

those whom the Lord has ransomed will return that way.

They will enter Zion with a happy shout.

Unending joy will crown them,

happiness and joy will overwhelm them;

grief and suffering will disappear. (NETBible, Isaiah 35:9b-10)

My joy cannot be rooted in things of the here and now - even great things, like my husband, my son, our jobs, our ministries. The joy I want can only be found in our Savior. In pursuing His kingdom and His righteousness. And I'm even more amazed that I won't even know the extent of joy possible until we enter His heaven and are drawn right to our knees.

So, beloved :) - what does your flesh want? How do you remind yourself to find the True Joy?

Stay tuned for part 2 of the Desire series - the desire of our enemy.

Heavenly Father, your truth is always better than my flesh. Thank you for giving me joy that is rooted in You. You know best that I often do not experience this joy because I'm focusing on earthly desires. Align my will to Yours. Let Your true joy overflow in my life.

It Overflows

It had been a week since Brad had asked for forgiveness. And I still wasn't budging. Although I had forgiven him in the sense that I love him, can see past this sin, and still want to be friends for life, our relationship had not been reconciled. Reconciliation is about restoring the relationship - coming back to the place we were, overflowing with joy that God brought us together, shouting our family motto, laughing together. There was no laughter. No joy. No shouting - well, the good kind of shouting, anyway.

You see, when God forgives us, we are immediately reconciled to Him.

but now he has reconciled you by his physical body through death to present you holy, without blemish, and blameless before him (NETBible, Colossians 1:22)

And I did not yet see my husband this way. Instead, when I looked at him, I saw the man who hurt me - who would hurt me again. My hurt personified itself in the cold shoulder, fake smiles, and other curt gestures. I wanted to be restored, and I felt my heart yearning for that true forgiveness, but it just wasn't happening this time.

While I was away at the store, I thought to myself, When I get home, I WILL be joyful. Unfortunately, that's not how it works, and I knew that. You can't muster this stuff up. It comes from the overflow of grace and mercy that God Himself has given to us:

And all these things are from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and who has given us the ministry of reconciliation. In other words, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting people’s trespasses against them, and he has given us the message of reconciliation. (NETBible, 2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

The "ministry" and "message" of reconciliation - that ministry did finally come to my husband, but not because of something I did. I asked God for help. He is the reconciler and the mediator. It's truly wonderful to see how He restores us to Himself and even to each other!

Thank you, God, for the ministry of reconciliation - the restoration that You offer freely through the blood of Christ. I am so unworthy and humbled to receive it. I am even more lowly to give it. I cannot be as magnanimous as You, but I ask that You increase that part of my heart. Let this be a picture to the world of how worthy You are.

I'm Not Supposed To Be Here

I did not sign up to be a pastor's wife. But I knew gals who did. When I was in college, I would ask a fellow chick, "What do you want to do with your major?" To which she would say, out of her utter sweetness, "I just want to be a pastor's wife." What? I didn't know that was a career goal! If I had, maybe I would have thought outside the box a little more about my plans and changed them to, "Independently Wealthy Free Agent."

I hesitate to say my husband was "called to ministry", because all followers of Christ are called in this way:

Then Jesus came up and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Matthew 28:18-20, NETBible

There was a definite time, though,  when he felt the burden for ministry, as the shepherd feels a responsibility for his flock. And my point is - this was after we were married! Worse, this was in our first year of marriage. I was shocked and sort of upset that he couldn't have made me aware of this before I agreed to marry him! I mean, I do NOT fit the traditional pastor's wife role - at least the caricature I had in my mind. I don't wear makeup every day, and I almost never do my hair. I don't usually wear dresses at all, let alone to church. But I'm also not frump girl. I wasn't sure at this point whether or not I wanted children. I did not see myself saying Hello! to everyone with that lovely pastor's wife smile.

But I could not deny his calling; in fact, I knew it was from the Lord. And when he has accepted to seminary with a presidential scholarship, I had to stop thinking about myself for a minute and instead think about an entirely new calling on our marriage - a pastor and pastor's wife, joined together by God for His purposes. We had already dedicated our marriage to God and knew ministry would be a part of our lives. Now, it would be weaved through our lives in a very unique way.

Now that I have been a pastor's wife for a bit, I feel sorry for these girls who dreamed of becoming a pastor's wife. It is very different from what I thought it would be, and I'm sure it is for them too. My husband and I have hit many snags along the road, but God has seen us through every second and has made our marriage so much stronger by His grace.

God, you have called us with purpose, just as you did with the apostles (Mark 3:13-19), and just as you do with all believers. I thank you for how you are using this journey to teach me more about you. I pray that I would not feel sorry for myself ~ because your will is good and your plan is perfect. Transform me more today into the woman you want me to be.