Don't Treat Your Husband Like a Child

When I was ... less mature (ahem)... I had no idea that women were designed differently from men - in more than just the anatomical ways.

Some people will think the differences stem from strictly scientific means (hormones, etc.), but I think that is just part of it. From the beginning, man and woman were created in different ways and for different purposes within their relationship (Eve being created as a "corresponding companion" to Adam).

I say I had no idea, but rest assured, some very good Bible teachers had relayed this message to me while I was in college. I took it in, processed it, and stowed it away in my Very Important Biblical Information file in my brain. I then heard more very good Bible teachers preach on the very same message multiple times in my first several years of marriage.

And then I carried on my way doing one of the exact things I was created to do: Nurture. To my husband.

Right behavior, wrong subject.

So, ladies, you've already pointed your mates to Servant Leaders Are Sexy, now what's our role in all of this? Let me tell you this very plainly:

• My job is NOT to love my husband.
• My job is to RESPECT my husband.

Let me also say this, if you're anything like me, You don't know what that means!!!!  I truly thought that if I would just love Brad to death, then he would have everything he needs to thrive as a man. W.R.O.N.G. The reason I truly thought that is because that is what I long for as a woman.

I thought men and women needed the same things (and, you know, we just call them different things). No. Men and women need very different things. I need love; he needs respect. Our community group went through a study based on the book, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs*, by Emerson Eggerichs. And finally, I started to see what respect really looks like.

Ladies, there are ways you can encourage your husband (or boyfriend or fiance) to thrive in servant-leadership. In fact, even if your husband is not a good servant leader at all, you should still start with respect.

Now I am no expert, believe me (or ask my husband!). My heart here is just to share with you some things that have worked for us. In most situations, ask yourself what would empower your man. In no particular order, here are some suggestions.

• Your husband is not your child. Do not offer to cut his meat for him. You do not need to ask his opinion on exactly how he wants his sandwich made for lunch; that kind of behavior is belittling, naggy, and makes his seem incapable. I'm pretty sure you already know what kind of sandwich your husband likes anyway.
• When your husband leaves the house, don't say, "Be careful." He is not made to be careful. He is made to be a risk-taker, a wild man. I just say, "I love you." He knows I want him to come home safely.
• Pet names: Instead of "widdle widdle wammy poo poo", call your husband by something that makes him feel like a man. I like "My Warrior", "Strong Man". FYI, I do have other gushy pet names, but they do not in any way make my husband out to be a child. E.g., "My One and Only".
• Trust him. If you're anything like us, and you as the wife is the left-brained one, you might have the tendency to question his every decision. I'm not saying it's bad to talk through decisions together; in fact, I hope you do! But you absolutely need to trust him in some things to give him room to lead.
• STOP NAGGING. I have never thought I was a nagger, but then I found out that even "gently reminding" my husband of an undone project is a nag and makes him want to check out. Here's the way we work around this. We have a list (yes, you probably have a similar honey-do list). The list is on a bulletin board. When there are projects, big or small, that need work, either of us can put it on the list. Once a week, hubby has a man-check morning. As part of this ritual, he asks himself some questions to make sure he is doing what needs to as a servant leader. One of his tasks is to check the list and make plans towards those projects. I don't have to nag, and he is empowered in his efforts.
• But DO communicate! We have a monthly "Team Pete" meeting where we discuss calendars, budget, spiritual goals, and anything "big" coming up. This is a great time to discuss things that are and are not working. This isn't the only time you communicate, but it's one big download session that we both mentally prepare for.
• Don't constantly correct him on how to play with the kids. His ways are different, and it's supposed to be that way. (I hope you know that I do not mean that you should not be unified, but that it's OK for him to be more rough and wild with the kids than you would be.)

Now, I'm sure some of you are much better at this than I am. Tell me in the comments what you do to empower your husband.

*This link is an affiliate link, which means I make a little pittance if you use this link to purchase something at the site. :)

Servant Leaders Are Sexy

This is a post for the guys. And I know your attention span is as long as my pinky, so here it is in a nutshell: Servant leaders are sexy.

So I got your attention, huh? What is a servant leader, you ask? The Candid Pastor's Wife definition is:

Servant Leader: One who leads by serving

Not too difficult, is it? Oh, but it is. 

There is a fine line between servanthood and passivity, between leading and bullying. But that humble and firm example to follow - that is the sweet spot.

It is not easy being a pastor's wife, but one benefit is that my husband has this natural shepherding bent. He craves for people in his care (his family and his flock, if you will) to truly experience the life-changing reality of Jesus Christ. He has to be intentional in all of his relationships... but it's so much easier to be passive. No, actually, it's so much easier to appear intentional. To have several relationships building in the fire, but to then sit back and watch the puny flames instead of stoking the embers.

He knows this. He also knows that Satan loves this about him. And so he fights:

• To reject passivity
• To accept responsibility
• To lead courageously
• To expect the greater reward

And when he actively does this, I like it! I see him differently. I stop looking at him through my maternal, nagging, let's-steal-the-family-pants lenses and instead start to follow him as he follows Jesus. 

Let's take our lead from our servant-leader savior:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!  (Philippians 2:3-8, NIV)

What does Jesus's servant-leadership lead to? Verses 9-11 tell us the result is that God is glorified.

So guys, follow Jesus in this and lead your families well. You'll thank me.

Eh...gotta go. The hubby will be home soon. =D

Heavenly Father, I'm so amazed by you. I'm in awe of your Son Jesus who is our ultimate example. Would you intervene in our broken culture that says men should not be men? Spirit, empower Godly men to be the leaders you intended them to be - in their homes, in the workplace, and at church. Thank you for my "friend for life" and how you teach him more about leading every day.